I don't know about the rest of you, but last week was a very long week- one of those weeks where I know I've fully earned every penny of my check. Sometimes things get to stressful, you just have to stop and laugh at it all. I've been reserving this post for a while, waiting for the best occasion to share this material with you all; in fact, I recorded and saved much of this before I even made this blog, on the off chance that I would make a blog. Funny how life works.
So, speaking of funny, I'd like to give the rest of you out there in cyber space just a glimpse of the things I'm exposed to on a daily basis while doing my job as a gothic optician. I give you,
Things Said to the Gothic Optician by the General Public
~because common sense isn't all that common, after all~
No, that's not how that works. There's nothing wrong with your glasses, and I think you mean 'frame.'
[Back when I had bangs]"You look like that girl off uh, um, uh, whatzit, CSI!"
It's NCIS, but thank you, I'm flattered you think I resemble Abby.
"You have nice hair, like Elvira. Damn she looks good."
Yes, yes she does, and thank you, redneck trucker who smells of whiskey yet wears a Budweiser cap.
"My frame is broken. Can you pop this shape of lenses into a different frame?"
No. Lenses are made for the frame you pick out, that is, specially cut out in a lab to fit the shape of the eyewire. The shapes are as unique as finger prints.
*picks up a frame* "How about this one?"
*facepalm* You can be here all day. No, it doesn't fit that frame. Nor that frame. That's not even the same shape. That's a drill mount. No.
"I was trimming my bush and I bent my shaft."
Um.. what do I even say to that? First of all, it's a temple, not a 'shaft.'
"I dropped my glasses and the middle part snapped in half and the arms flew off"
Uh, huh.. I'm not going to give you a physics lecture, but the gravity would have to be close to that of Jupiter for that to even happen.
"I was cleanin' my lenses all gentle-like and the lens cracked in two!"
You, madame, have the strength of the Incredible Hulk.
"I lost my glasses on the bus!"
Why weren't they on your head?
"Because I wasn't driving!"
*on a cell phone* "YEAH, I BE HERE AT DA EYE DOCS. I WANNA LOOK HOLLYWOOD. IMMA SEE IF MEDICAID WILL BUY ME THIS SEAN JEAN FRAME!"
Not on your life, dude.
"My transitions don't work inside."
Well, technically, they are working inside. They don't turn dark inside because they're not supposed to.
"My reading glasses give me a headache when I look at something far away. I can't see anything when I drive!"
That's because, as the name suggests, for reading.
"My driving classes make my head hurt when I try to read and the words are all blurry!"
Same as above.
"Why can't I buy these $300 dollar frames on Medicaid? The government's greedy!"
I'm not even sure how to answer this, so I won't.
"I sleep on your doorstep some nights. Can I get an appointment. My eyes is real dry,
I have to put them close to onions to make them feel better."
I'm not even sure how to respond to this.
"You've.. really nice black nail polish.. damn baby girl, really nice. I bet your toes is black too, ain't they?"
You're old enough to be my grandpa and you smell like pot.
*phone call* "yeah, I uh, I got a phone call from you guys the other day.."
"you all said my glasses were ready to be picked up.."
"well are they?"
No, we were totally messing with you.
Speaking of the general public, God bless 'em, I think now would be a great time to clear up some misconceptions about the lingo used in an eye doctor's office.
General Public Says Correct Term
Spring-loaded Spring Hinge
Arm (or shaft) Temple
No-line Bifocal Progressive Addition Lenses
Cleanin' Thingies Cleaning Cloths
Nose Thing Nose Pads
The Medicine Prescription
Box Glasses Case
One last bit of LOL for you all now, is a clip that should be on EVERY job description for every occupation in the optical business. Many of you may laugh at this clip, or not realize just how realistic that is. For those of us who know first hand- opticians, technicians, paraoptometrics, optometrists, and opthalmalogists- it's part of the job. Yes, people like this do exist.
Hilarious, but I'm sure it's hard to believe. Again, yes, there are people like this.
Have a great week everyone,
Sea, the Gothic Optician, A.B.O.C.